A Day in the Life of a Grammar Nazi

We have all met one, if not in real life then on social media. Those individuals that delight in pointing out mistakes and flaws in our words without regard for feelings or situation.

As a technical person who works with electrical devices mistakes are serious things. When something is wrong with equipment, smoke and/or fire is often involved. Not so with grammar. You can write a perfectly understandable sentence and still be wrong. Because grammar is not results based, it is about conforming to a standard that has merit but often seems capricious.

Now standards are good; the electrical code prevents electrocution and fires, building codes prevent buildings from collapsing on people. Useful codes to protect society from poor workmanship and dangerous cost cutting. Efficient clear communication is important in many situations, and “Grammar Policing” is useful, even helpful. However, some individuals get a little too much enjoyment pointing out flaws in our use of everyday conversations. This is for them…

(If you find grammatical errors in this satirical blog, it was intentional, designed to elicit a reaction from you know who.)

Their Day

8:55 AM: Claim table at coffee shop for the day. Get Grande, Iced, Sugar-Free, Vanilla Latte with Soy Milk. Ask barista if that English degree is coming in handy, be extra snarky since she shorted my vanilla shot yesterday.

9:23 AM: Write a blog expressing concern over ignorance of “your vs. you’re” end with funny quip about days of yore. Ha ha.

10:09 AM: Patrol Facebook writer’s groups to find grammar offenders. Then write humiliating replies pointing out their mistakes while highlighting their ignorance to everyone.

10:34 AM: Think of innovative ways to criticize Twitter users in 140 characters or less.

11:15 AM: Patrol writer’s blogs and burn them for any grammatical errors. Trash their reputation and make them feel inferior.

11:40 AM: Move to larger table to occupy it during lunch rush and refuse to allow people to sit there.

11:55 AM: Buy second cup of latte and a Sprouted Grain Vegan Bagel with fat free cream cheese. Comment about coffee spill on barista’s apron and make a judgmental joke about neatness.

12:15 PM: Start up conversation with someone who looks uneducated, then just ignore them the rest of the afternoon.

12:45 PM: Think of clever ways to point out “They're vs. Their vs. There” mistakes, while still making them feel bad.

1:07 PM: Humiliate a famous writer’s use of dangling modifier in a forum and make it sound scandalous.

1:48 PM: Write a blog about Faulkner’s use of conjunctions.

2:30 PM: Check advertising copy in a magazine for incomplete comparisons then write a scathing email to the company telling them its advertising department is inferior.

3:00 PM: Write an article expressing concern over widespread ignorance about “Me vs. I”

4:15 PM: Stop by trendy restaurant for early dinner. Find fault with food and stiff waiter’s tip.

4:53 PM: Head home and force my cat to play with me.

7:00 PM to Midnight: Work on my very clever and interesting autobiography. Which keeps getting rejected by ignorant self-important agents.

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© 2015 by Alan Stockbridge.